I’m here to share the testimony of how God has completely, astonishingly and irrevocably changed my life. I just want to return ALL the glory to the good and glorious Father of lights, to His precious Son Jesus who died for me and is alive forever more, and to the Holy Spirit who is at work in me, both to will and to do according to God’s good pleasure.
Here is my testimony of God’s goodness, mercy, faithfulness and love.
I was raised, the third of three children, by a devoted Christian mother in a home deeply marred by my father’s violent and chaotic nature. My childhood and teenage years were marked by daily Christian activity on one hand, and deeply damaging trauma on the other. By the time my mum passed on from cancer-related complications, I was 20 years old, in my final year of university, and carrying an unplanned pregnancy.
My mother’s passing came as a shock, leaving me utterly disillusioned about life and furiously raging at God. I spent the next three years in a deep depression and, when my beloved aunt (my mum’s elder sister) also died of cancer, I decided I was completely done with God. For the next several years I wandered down increasingly destructive paths that repeated and even worsened the cycles from my own childhood. Throughout that period my sister would often say, “You’ll come back to God,” and I would always furiously respond, “absolutely NEVER!”
Well, Jehovah has the final say. Four years ago, in an extremely unlikely series of events, God led me back to church. Two years into this fledgling journey of faith, He intervened so undeniably that I had no choice but to surrender my life completely.
Until that intervention of mercy in April 2024, my life had been a rollercoaster of chaos and confusion, layered under the trappings of outward ‘success’. I had everything I wanted, but my ability to function was being held together by a revolving door of unstable friendships, destructive sexual relationships, therapy, impulsive spending, psychiatric medicine, and, between 2021 and 2024, an increasingly oppressive marijuana habit.
For over a decade I had no direction, no clarity, no self control, and no peace of mind. After I hit 30, I started having at least one severe mental break per year. Yet, even with all this, I didn’t realise I needed a change. I had chosen everything I was experiencing with my eyes ‘wide open’. I was ‘enjoying’ my life and I regretted nothing. I could do whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, ‘recover’ from my increasingly regular mental breakdowns however I wanted, and nothing or no one could stop me.
Nothing and no one could stop me–until God.
One day in April 2024, Abba shook me awake. God opened my eyes to how I was repeating–and worsening–the cycles that had so badly damaged me in my childhood. As if He knew that I had given up on my own soul long ago, He showed me how I was damning my child’s soul to hell. I, who would never have chosen motherhood, received the mercy of God through the realisation that I was bringing into my child’s life what I wished my father had never brought into mine. I saw clearly for the first time how I was leading her down a path of destruction, simply by continually walking down such a path myself.
In this encounter, God showed me that I would face judgment–and indeed already had. The verdict brought me to my knees, because it was NOT condemnation. To my absolute shock and confusion, God’s verdict that day was incomparable love.
The next morning, I found myself trying to smoke again. A feeling I now recognise as the fear of God immediately came upon me. It was a full-body experience of dread and terror that shook me to my core. With my heart pounding harder than I ever imagined possible, I called my brother to confess my sins. He prayed for me and gave me some scriptures to read, and that day marked a turning point in my life. Notably, this encounter happened in Amsterdam, where I had gone so I could legally celebrate April 20th — ‘4:20’, a day recognised among weed smokers as special. In God’s sovereign and humorous wisdom, that morning’s attempt to roll my joint became the last time I ever touched marijuana.
Since that wondrous April day, God has been teaching, purging, leading and Fathering me. He has healed my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. Where I used to carry bitterness, rage and unforgiveness, God has given me peace and joy unending. Sometimes I can’t even believe who I used to be; the person God is making me into is SO different. The testimonies I have could fill a book–and very likely one day will–but for today I just want to say THANK YOU JESUS for not leaving me to myself. Thank You to the God of covenant for not allowing me to choose hell for myself or my child. Thank You, Father, that You love me even more than I could ever love myself.
In one month, it will be the second anniversary of the day God reached down from heaven to lovingly, thoroughly and completely rescue me from hell. I just want to say: Baba o, E se!
Last modified: March 29, 2026
